As my son, Rory John Gates, reached the milestone of his 18th birthday, I found myself reflecting on the incredible young man he has become. It feels like just yesterday I was imagining the possibilities for his future, and now, witnessing the person he is today, fills me with immense pride.
Rory is, at his core, a deeply compassionate and inquisitive individual. His intelligence is matched by his voracious reading habits and a genuine interest in understanding the complexities of the world around him. He engages thoughtfully with a wide spectrum of issues, demonstrating a maturity far beyond his years. As a son and brother, he is everything we could have hoped for – supportive, caring, and engaged. He even shares our family’s penchant for puzzles, a trait that brings us much joy. However, among the many qualities I admire in Rory, one stands out with particular significance: he is a staunch feminist.
Interestingly, at 18, the term “feminist” wasn’t one I readily applied to myself. It simply wasn’t a concept that had taken root in my consciousness at that age. My upbringing instilled in me the belief that my sister and I were capable of achieving anything our brothers could, yet the broader concept of gender equality wasn’t a frequent topic of discussion in our household. The emphasis was on empowering us to pursue our ambitions, rather than explicitly addressing the systemic barriers that might hinder us. While I was aware of the disparities women faced, I hadn’t deeply considered the subtle yet pervasive ways in which cultural norms and ingrained gender expectations shape our lives.
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My perspective evolved significantly by the time I started my own family. I developed a much more profound understanding of the damaging impact of gender norms, not only on women and girls but on society as a whole. Bill and I were aligned in our vision to raise our children with the same empowering belief system we had experienced, ensuring they understood that gender should never limit their aspirations. Crucially, we made a conscious decision to foster open conversations about gender equality within our family, recognizing its importance for both our daughters and our son, Rory John Gates.
Parenting, as many know, often involves navigating the gap between ideals and reality. I recall a moment a few years ago when I realized I had unconsciously fallen into a common gender stereotype, consistently asking Rory to take out the garbage while overlooking his sisters. Research highlights this very tendency, where household chores are often disproportionately assigned based on gender. I also had to confront my own bias in holding our daughters to a higher standard of tidiness compared to Rory. These might seem like minor instances, but they exemplify the subtle, unconscious behaviors that, over time, reinforce societal expectations – men handling “heavy lifting” and women managing “housework.” These experiences, even within our own well-intentioned household, underscored the critical need to educate children to recognize these biases and challenge them whenever they surface.
Rory, to his credit, embodies this understanding. Across his 18 years, through countless conversations, insightful observations, and everyday actions, he has consistently demonstrated his conviction that gender equality is a cause worth actively championing. When gender issues arise during our family discussions, Rory, along with his friends, often contributes thoughtful and informed perspectives.
One memory, in particular, stands out. Two summers ago, Rory John Gates and I embarked on a trip to East Africa, just the two of us, to witness firsthand the work our foundation supports in Malawi. There, I had the privilege of meeting with a group of men dedicated to transforming gender norms within their communities. They spoke with pride about challenging traditional roles by sharing household responsibilities with their wives, jointly managing finances, and engaging in collaborative decision-making. They were also actively working to encourage other men in their villages to adopt these more equitable practices within their own families.
I was deeply impressed by their efforts, recognizing the extraordinary nature of their commitment in the face of deeply ingrained societal norms. Rory, however, offered a different perspective. He respectfully countered, suggesting that standing up against unfair norms is simply what men everywhere should be doing. He acknowledged the increased courage required when confronting deeply entrenched norms, but firmly believes it is a universal responsibility, one he is already striving to uphold in his own life.
It is for these reasons, and countless others, that I am profoundly proud of my son, Rory John Gates. Furthermore, I feel fortunate that Rory is coming of age at a time when young men are increasingly encouraged to critically examine societal structures and their role within them. They are embracing broader, more inclusive definitions of masculinity, paving the way for a more equitable world. I am filled with optimism for what the next 18 years will bring as these young men mature into equal partners in their homes, advocates for women in the workplace, and architects of a more just and equitable future for generations to come, including their own sons and daughters.
Happy 18th birthday, Rory.
