John Grant, a name synonymous with poignant lyrics and electronic soundscapes, embarked on an unexpected journey of self-discovery that led him from the depths of personal turmoil to the serene landscapes of Iceland. Four years prior to this transformative period, the acclaimed musician, John Grant, found himself in Reykjavik for the Iceland Airwaves festival, a seemingly ordinary event that would unexpectedly alter the course of his life. It was there, in a chance encounter within a local shop, that John Grant was recognized by an Icelander named Denni. This simple acknowledgment sparked a connection that went beyond fandom, leading to a three-hour drive into the Icelandic countryside, an experience that profoundly impacted John Grant.
This journey came at a crucial juncture in John Grant‘s life. After two decades marked by excess, grappling with sex, drugs, and alcohol, he was in a state of drift. Iceland’s stark, ethereal beauty resonated deeply with him. As John Grant himself described it, he witnessed “this lunar and otherworldly landscape. A cold and treeless Hawaii. The light, the air, the language…” Language, a lifelong fascination for John Grant, who is fluent in German, Russian, and Spanish, with a grasp of French and Swedish, held particular significance. It was during a “dark winter” in Sweden that John Grant received his HIV diagnosis, a life-altering revelation.
Today, John Grant also speaks Icelandic, a testament to his deep integration into the island nation’s culture. He found himself drawn to the Icelandic people’s accepting nature, their willingness to let individuals live authentically. As John Grant noted, “Denni wasn’t coming on to me – he is a straight dude – that’s just how people are here.” This anecdote encapsulates a significant shift in John Grant‘s narrative, suggesting a journey towards personal redemption after years of struggle. The story of John Grant, once defined by turmoil, is now evolving into one of resilience and renewal in the face of past adversities.
Before meeting John Grant, descriptions painted him as an “angry, bearded HIV-positive American” crafting “witty electronic pop music about his disastrous past relationships.” While these labels captured elements of his persona and artistry, they were incomplete, failing to encompass the depth and complexity of John Grant as a musician and individual. He is also the creator of beautifully orchestrated love songs, imbued with darkly humorous and unforgettable lyrics, such as the haunting line, “Baby, you’re where dreams go to die.” Spending a day in John Grant‘s company reveals layers beyond these initial impressions, showcasing a multifaceted artist on a path to healing and self-acceptance.
Our meeting took place in Mokka, a Reykjavik coffee shop steeped in history and charm. Within its wood-paneled walls and inviting atmosphere, John Grant appeared instantly at ease. This very café served as the backdrop for the cover of his critically acclaimed album, Pale Green Ghosts. Stepping in from the crisp Icelandic August air, John Grant greeted me, a striking figure with a handsome face framed by a substantial beard.
Image alt text: John Grant performing live at Roskilde Festival, Denmark, showcasing his commanding stage presence and musical talent.
At 47, John Grant achieved global recognition later in life than many artists. A profound sense of alienation, intertwined with a romantic idealism, propelled him into a destructive cycle. This spiral included cocaine and alcohol addiction, risky sexual encounters, and a self-destructive streak that, under different circumstances – perhaps earlier commercial success or the excesses of the 1970s – might have proven fatal. This harrowing period of his life is a central theme explored in his then-upcoming album, Grey Tickles, Black Pressure, released in October. John Grant‘s music often serves as a cathartic exploration of his personal struggles and triumphs.
The Roots of Struggle: Homophobia and Anxiety
John Grant traces the origins of his internal conflicts back to the pervasive homophobia he encountered during his youth in Michigan and Colorado. “Being in school, whenever I laughed or smiled I would turn to find someone staring at me with this terrible hatred and disgust,” John Grant recounted, the emotional weight of these experiences still palpable in his voice. This hostile environment forced him to meticulously control every aspect of his being: “I had to control everything – control my voice, control my facial expressions, control my hair and my clothes, and where I walked and where I sat – at every moment. I think that drove me to terrible anxiety.” This constant self-monitoring and fear of judgment became deeply ingrained in John Grant‘s psyche, contributing to his later struggles.
The emergence of New Wave music in Denver during that era should have provided a refuge, an outlet for self-expression. John Grant was immersed in the sounds of The Cure, Siouxsie and the Banshees, the Cocteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, Alien Sex Fiend, Bauhaus, and New Order. While musically liberating, this scene didn’t fully address his internal battles. “I had friends who came to school the way they wanted to, with all the make-up and hairspray, but they weren’t struggling with their sexuality.” He observed how his friend Greg’s parents embraced their son’s New Romantic style, seeing it as “cool and amazing,” a stark contrast to the rejection John Grant faced at home and within his church. “If you are not getting support at home or outside, there is nowhere to go. I couldn’t be myself anywhere,” John Grant explained, highlighting the profound isolation he felt during his formative years.
Image alt text: John Grant pictured alongside Amanda Wills and Holly Johnson at the Attitude Magazine Awards in London, celebrating LGBTQ+ achievements and visibility.
From Germany to The Czars: Musical Beginnings and Setbacks
In 1988, John Grant sought escape and moved to Germany to pursue his studies. However, the change of scenery didn’t alleviate his internal turmoil. “That’s when my anxiety disorder went into full-on ‘couldn’t leave the house’,” he revealed. Upon returning to Colorado, John Grant formed the band The Czars. The band garnered critical acclaim for their music, yet mainstream success remained elusive. John Grant‘s personal struggles began to impact his professional life, and his behavior became increasingly difficult for his bandmates, ultimately leading to the breakup of The Czars.
Post-Czars, John Grant navigated a series of unfulfilling jobs. “I was fired from a record store for calling a female co-worker a cunt,” he admitted with regret. He attempted to leverage his language skills in the airline industry. “The most horrifying thing I ever did was work as a steward on an airplane. I wanted to get hired by United. I thought: ‘With my languages, this will be amazing; I will work in first class.’ But I could only get a job with an airline going from Newark, New Jersey to Fort Lauderdale, Florida.” This experience fell far short of his aspirations. He later worked as a waiter at Gramercy Tavern in New York and then as a professional translator, utilizing his linguistic talents in a different capacity.
Seeking to address his alcohol dependency, John Grant joined Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) in 2004. However, this marked a shift in his addictive behaviors rather than a complete resolution. He then “wholeheartedly” turned to sex. The cocaine-fueled parties he hosted, while containing “some…fun,” led to serious health consequences, including contracting syphilis and, unknowingly at the time, HIV. John Grant is no stranger to hitting rock bottom. “There’s the phase you go into when you are just causing wreckage, the phase when your sister goes from your closest friend to someone you just call when you want money,” he described, illustrating the devastating impact of his addiction on his personal relationships.
Reflecting on a particularly dark period, I inquired about the anecdote of him urinating in someone’s coffee, as referenced in his song “Queen of Denmark.” “Noooo…” he responded slowly. “But that’s not to say I haven’t wanted to. I did, during my drinking days, once empty a beer bottle by drinking it then filling it up again with my piss before putting it back again with all the other bottles.” He declined to specify the location of this incident.
Image alt text: John Grant in conversation with Andy Butler of Hercules and Love Affair, highlighting collaborations and connections within the music community.
Icelandic Embrace and Musical Revival
Leaving Mokka, we walked towards a restaurant located in the basement of a cheese shop, crossing a street adorned with rainbow-colored tarmac in celebration of Pride. John Grant expressed his admiration for Icelanders’ enthusiastic embrace of Pride, noting how families had painted rainbow colors onto the streets. In the restaurant, the waitress greeted John Grant warmly, kissing his bearded cheek and conversing in Icelandic about her vacation. He beamed at the welcome, visibly touched by the genuine warmth.
John Grant‘s return to music in 2010 was facilitated by the Texan band Midlake, with whom he had collaborated during his time with The Czars. They remained steadfast believers in his talent and produced his debut solo album, Queen of Denmark. This album became a word-of-mouth sensation, earning Mojo’s Album of the Year award and marking a significant turning point in John Grant‘s career. The unwavering support of friends has been a recurring theme throughout John Grant‘s life, providing crucial anchors during turbulent times.
Despite his musical resurgence, settling down remained a challenge for John Grant. “In the States people are constantly at you: ‘Why did you do that?’ ‘What’s up with you?’” he explained, describing a sense of constant scrutiny. The UK, while appealing in many ways, also presented its own set of societal complexities. “You’re not going to find a bigger Britain fan than me, but it is an absurd society as well. Even if I was as rich as Elton John, I would never get into that society. You’re not going to be accepted by the upper class or the lower class. When I go through the city centres in Manchester and Liverpool and London, the fucking pit bulls, the class, the rage – it’s like a hair-trigger bomb.”
Stockholm initially seemed like a promising option, but it was there that John Grant received the devastating news of his HIV diagnosis. “I had a great friend, who came to the hospital with me, who cried for me when I couldn’t.” Demonstrating his characteristic candor, John Grant chose to publicly reveal his HIV status onstage in London at the 2012 Meltdown festival, a brave and impactful act of openness.
Across the table, John Grant paused, momentarily unsure if he had taken his medication. Observing the restaurant’s atmosphere, I noticed the waitress warmly embracing new patrons, a testament to Icelandic hospitality. I pointed this out, and John Grant playfully feigned offense, exclaiming, “Those hugs weren’t real. My hug, I could feel that was real.”
Reykjavik Life and New Album Insights
John Grant – Grey Tickles, Black Pressure (Album Trailer) on YouTube
John Grant was eager to show me some of his favorite stairwells in Reykjavik. We strolled through the city center, admiring the weathered paths descending among corrugated iron buildings. He explained the nuances of Icelandic street names, the pronunciation of “th,” comparing it to the guttural sounds of Danish. He then shared a joke about Stockholm accents before discussing the melodic cadence of Russian. These linguistic observations highlighted John Grant‘s continued fascination with language and culture.
Unpacking the title of his new album, Grey Tickles, Black Pressure, John Grant revealed its deeper meanings. “‘Grey tickles’ is a direct translation in Icelandic for midlife crisis,” he explained. “And ‘black pressure’ is Turkish for nightmare.” The title track’s video teaser, featuring him covered in blood, hints at the album’s exploration of darker themes, albeit with John Grant‘s signature wit and musicality.
Grey Tickles, Black Pressure is indeed a remarkable work, blending experimental sounds with soaring melodies. Following his initial transformative trip to Iceland in 2010, befriended by Denni, John Grant collaborated with producer Birgir Þórarinsson, known as Biggi Veira. This partnership resulted in Pale Green Ghosts, which earned a Brits nomination for Best International Male Act.
However, for Grey Tickles, Black Pressure, while the songwriting process took place in Iceland, the recording shifted to Texas with producer John Congleton. As expected by his devoted listeners, the lyrics are exceptional. “Grey Tickles, Black Pressure” delves into John Grant‘s self-awareness and struggles with self-pity regarding his HIV status, acknowledging the greater suffering in the world: “There are children who have cancer / and so all bets are off / ’cause I can’t compete with that.” Another track, “No More Tangles,” explores codependency with a characteristically sharp lyrical twist: “Stockholm is a city that I adore / but the syndrome of that name is one that I abhor”.
Throughout our conversation, John Grant frequently mentioned his Icelandic boyfriend, whom he preferred to keep out of the public eye, referring to him simply as “X.” Solid relationships have been a challenge for John Grant throughout his life. Early displays of affection triggered feelings of guilt and discomfort. Later, during his recovery, he fell in love with a man named TC, celebrated on Queen of Denmark as his “one and only,” only to be likened to the toxic defoliant Agent Orange on Pale Green Ghosts. That relationship lasted a mere six months. His current relationship with X, an Icelandic graphic designer, has endured for two years, suggesting a newfound stability and happiness in John Grant‘s personal life.
Love, Beauty, and Cautious Optimism
John Grant confided that he dislikes his own appearance, a sentiment that has inspired acerbic lines in Grey Tickle, Black Pressure. I asked if X is beautiful. His response was thoughtful and heartfelt: “He’s physically beautiful, but that beauty is outdone by how he is as a human. Which is saying something, because he’s very beautiful. But I am more in love with how he is as a human.” This statement reveals the depth of his affection and the importance of inner qualities in his current relationship.
My initial assessment of optimism didn’t seem entirely misplaced. John Grant is, in a sense, struggling to access his characteristic fury. This man, who has repeatedly pushed himself to the edge, is now navigating something as ordinary as a midlife crisis. He ultimately conceded, “It feels like a very positive record to me, too. Sure, there is darkness there, but it’s the brightest record I’ve made.”
We paused at his favorite bench, located beside a statue of a bear perpetually gazing at the British embassy, before heading to his apartment. He recently moved into this space with X, and it still felt like a work in progress. The second bedroom functions as a studio, primarily used by X, who is also a musician. The living room is centered around an L-shaped sofa, John Grant‘s preferred spot for watching his growing DVD collection. Boxes upon boxes of films were stacked around: Virus, The Omen, The Purple Rose of Cairo, Withnail & I, Manhattan Murder Mystery, Life of Brian…
“DVDs. Quite old fashioned,” I remarked. He countered, “They’re Blu-rays. Does that help?”
This collector’s zeal extends to his book collection. One end of his shelves is filled with an impressive array of books on translation and language, accumulated over years of travels. The other end showcases newly acquired novels interspersed with well-worn favorites like The Tin Drum. On the wall hung a striking photograph of a fisherman, clad in oilskins and glistening with cold spray, taken by one of X’s relatives. John Grant‘s contribution to the apartment’s décor is a large hedgehog-shaped lamp, which we switched on despite the almost constant daylight.
Finding Safety and Sobriety in Iceland
John Grant is actively embracing life in his present moment, making up for lost time. “When you get sober, the wheels start turning again,” he explained. “During the time when you avoid dealing with stuff, you just stay at the age you were when you stopped dealing with stuff. I actually had wanted to do a song on this album about Oskar Matzerath, the boy in The Tin Drum, the child who decides to stop growing.” This reflection highlights his ongoing process of personal growth and self-awareness.
Iceland has become a sanctuary for John Grant. Earlier, he had shared, “I was in fight-or-flight response my whole life, with adrenaline fatigue, PTSD – there was no safety ever.” Now, he affirms, “I feel safe here. It’s a cautious optimism connected to that feeling of security.” This sense of safety and security in Iceland is paramount to his healing journey.
Image alt text: Close-up portrait of John Grant, capturing his thoughtful gaze and the depth of his artistic persona.
That evening, we went to Húrra, a trendy Reykjavik music venue, to see X perform. X’s brothers, all seemingly respectable individuals, stood along the wall, offering their support. John Grant joined them, clearly welcomed into the family circle. He recounted a recent family trip to Benidorm, where he participated in the quintessential beach vacation experience, a humorous anecdote highlighting his integration into X’s life.
John Grant‘s improved relationships extend to his own siblings. He “took my guy over last Christmas” to visit them. Regarding his father (his mother passed away in 1995), John Grant shared, “We haven’t talked in a long time. I think he’s changed a little, that he’s not sure what to think of homosexuality any more – and that’s progress. He definitely loves me and is proud of me, but we don’t talk because we don’t have much in common. The acceptance thing goes both ways. Your parents are just people and, of course, they have to love you, but they are just people.” This nuanced perspective reflects a more mature understanding of family dynamics and acceptance.
The next significant step for John Grant is weaning himself off prescription anxiety medication. While his antiretroviral medication is essential and ongoing, he is contemplating discontinuing Paroxetine, which he has been taking for 20 years. “When I left Germany I got on the drug Paroxetine. I’ve been taking that for 20 years now, and I don’t want it. But the side effects of coming off it are too terrible. They have a thing called the zaps. It feels like someone is throwing lightning bolts at your head. It’s horrible.” This highlights the complexities of long-term medication and the challenges of withdrawal.
As the crowd filled Húrra for X’s performance, John Grant was visibly pleased by their enthusiasm. After the set, he introduced us, and we chatted briefly. Then, they said their goodbyes. John Grant, putting on a pair of mittens, hugged several people, including myself and a man in a cowboy hat, before cycling off towards home.
Watching him depart, I recalled his earlier words: “I do feel I have a hard time dealing with things being OK.” This poignant statement encapsulates John Grant‘s ongoing journey – learning to embrace happiness and stability after a life marked by turmoil and self-destruction.
Grey Tickles, Black Pressure was released in October, marking another chapter in the compelling and evolving story of John Grant.
