"The man-shaped arrangement of meat rose up, as if functioning as one body. It pushed itself up on two arms made of game hens and country bacon, planting two hands with sausage-link fingers on the floor. The phrase “sodomized by a bratwurst poltergeist” suddenly flew through my mind. Finally it stood fully upright, looking like the mascot for a butcher shop whose profits went entirely to support the owner’s acid habit.” This quote from the prologue of John Dies at the End perfectly encapsulates the bizarre and darkly comedic journey that awaits readers. Having heard whispers about this book years ago, particularly its 2012 movie adaptation, the title itself was an immediate hook. A book that seemingly spoils its own ending? Intriguing. While the title is more of a clever misdirection than a true spoiler, it certainly piqued my interest, landing it on my ‘To Be Read’ list. Initially deterred by the price for its 376 pages, a recent ebook deal made diving into this peculiar world irresistible.
John Dies at the End centers less on the titular John and more on David Wong – the character, distinct from the author. Dave and John embody the classic best friend dynamic, reminiscent of the iconic duo Bill and Ted.
Bill and Ted style best friends
David Wong, a pseudonym chosen for anonymity by the author, presents himself as the narrator. At first glance, John and Dave appear to be paranormal investigators, responding to calls involving ghosts, demons, and other supernatural occurrences. Their approach aligns more closely with the Winchester brothers of “Supernatural” than the professional Ghostbusters or the skeptical Mulder and Scully from “The X-Files.” Following the unsettling encounter with the Meat Monster described in the prologue, the narrative loops back to the genesis of their paranormal escapades. John and Dave’s lives take a sharp turn when they ingest “Soy Sauce,” a mysterious substance that unlocks their perception to supernatural and pandimensional entities. Suddenly, they find themselves at the heart of a conspiracy orchestrated by shadowy beings intent on corrupting and dominating our reality. Essentially, John Dies at the End chronicles the duo’s chaotic and often hilarious struggle to prevent global annihilation.
The narrative unfolds within a frame story, with Dave recounting his experiences to a reporter specializing in paranormal phenomena. The book maintains a relentless pace from start to finish, rarely pausing for breath. While I generally appreciate fast-paced narratives, here it verges on overwhelming. Incident after incident piles up in rapid succession, leaving minimal room for exposition or in-depth character development. It often felt like I was desperately clinging to the narrative thread. Paradoxically, this breakneck speed contributes to a sense of monotony as the book progresses. However, the sheer volume of bizarre and grotesque imagery is undeniably captivating: wig monsters, colossal amorphous creatures, flying parasites, ghosts, clones, exploding canines and police officers, and copious amounts of gore and bodily fluids.
Wig Monsters by FlammablePerson
Adding to the strangeness is a repulsive parallel dimension aptly named “Shit Narnia” by the protagonists. While the book certainly offers a plethora of intriguing elements, emotional investment remains somewhat elusive, stemming from a lack of deep characterization. John and Dave are likeable enough, with their witty banter, irreverent attitude, defiance of authority, and juvenile humor. Yet, they lack the depth needed to fully sustain a nearly 400-page narrative. Fortunately, a budding romance between Dave and a character named Amy provides a welcome contrast, injecting moments of tenderness amidst the chaos and allowing Dave to evolve beyond the role of the wisecracking sidekick.
The writing style leans towards a teenage male demographic, and the frequently NSFW adolescent humor did elicit genuine chuckles. The author’s prose is reminiscent of a hyper-caffeinated Andy Weir, although, for my taste, the humor in John Dies at the End lands more effectively than in The Martian. My primary criticism lies in the unremitting pacing, which at times renders the narrative overly chaotic and somewhat disorganized. It becomes strangely tiring as the book nears its conclusion. Even the epilogue feels unnecessarily drawn out, with no discernible deceleration in pace. During the final twenty or so pages, the book felt like it had overstayed its welcome; a tighter 300-page edit might have been ideal.
Despite these critiques, I want to emphasize that John Dies at the End is far from bad or boring. It’s an entertaining read, possibly perfect for readers with shorter attention spans or those seeking non-stop, adrenaline-fueled thrills. I am currently undecided about delving into the sequel, This Book Is Full of Spiders: Seriously, Dude, Don’t Touch It, although its higher Goodreads rating suggests it might be worth reconsidering if I crave another dose of outlandish storytelling. Ultimately, I don’t regret reading this book. If you’re in the market for a funny, wild, and anarchic sci-fi horror adventure, this could be an excellent choice. If you’re hesitant, sampling a chapter from online retailers is advisable; the book starts with a bang, and the prologue is indeed representative of the wild ride that follows, even if John does die at the end (or does he?).
* The author’s adoption of the David Wong pen name adds a layer of authenticity and meta-narrative to the first-person perspective. His real name, Jason Pargin, is not a secret, mentioned in the introduction penned by filmmaker Don Coscarelli, known for directing the movie adaptation and cult classics like Phantasm and Bubba Ho-Tep.
