My colleague, Paul Homoly, shared a piece of wisdom that resonated deeply: writing a book refines one’s message on any subject. As someone who has navigated the writing process, I can attest to the transformative power of organizing thoughts, substantiating arguments, and crafting a clear and actionable narrative for the reader. This rigorous discipline enhances all forms of communication, amplifying impact.
I’m pleased to announce the initial pages of my book on Courageous Conversations are complete. The journey of writing has already yielded a profound insight: love is the cornerstone of confrontation. This might seem counterintuitive, especially when emotions like anger, bitterness, or even hate can surface during challenging discussions. Yet, at its core, confrontation, when approached constructively, is an act of love.
When faced with the prospect of confrontation, anxieties naturally arise. Will it provoke anger, worsen the situation, or lead to rejection? These are valid concerns. However, the purpose of confronting an issue isn’t to push someone away. If that were the aim, avoidance would be the easier path. Instead, confrontation stems from a desire for relational improvement. By addressing conflict head-on, we are, in essence, investing love into the relationship. Avoiding issues or reacting with hurtful intent only deepens the divide.
Unresolved issues and repeatedly breached boundaries erode relationships. Stagnation, lost intimacy, and damaged respect become the unfortunate norm. Genuine relationship improvement necessitates confrontation. And to navigate these crucial conversations effectively, love must be the guiding principle. When setting boundaries, making requests, or posing difficult questions, a foundation of love ensures a more constructive approach. Confrontation, driven by love, becomes an act of preservation, safeguarding the relationship from destructive forces like detachment, self-centeredness, immaturity, defensiveness, apathy, and control.
Researching for my book, I delved into the etymology of “conflict” and “confrontation.” “Conflict” originates from the Latin “conflictus,” meaning “to contend, fight, struggle.” In contrast, “confrontation” stems from the Latin “confrontationem,” signifying “the action of bringing two parties face-to-face” or “to turn your face toward something.” This distinction is crucial. Confrontation isn’t about battling; it’s about facing the relationship with a desire for healing and preservation. It’s about turning towards, not away. In this light, confrontation becomes an act that serves and protects love.
Reflecting on this, John Denver’s poignant song, “Perhaps Love,” came to mind. When asked about a song for my funeral, this was among my choices. Denver’s lyrics beautifully capture the complex nature of love: “Perhaps love is like an ocean, full of conflict, full of change. Like a fire when it’s cold outside or thunder when it rains… Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door. It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more.” This encapsulates the reality that love, like an ocean, encompasses both calm and turbulence. It’s dynamic, evolving, and sometimes, yes, confrontational.
This week, I encourage you to embrace love and consider engaging in those courageous conversations that can fortify your relationships – be it at work, home, or within your community. When love is your compass, you’re on the right path.
“The extent to which two people in a relationship can bring up and resolve issues is a critical marker of the soundness of the relationship.” ~ Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend, authors of Boundaries: Face-to-Face
