Cognac Louis XIII and 100 Years movie
Today we delve into a cinematic enigma, a film shrouded in secrecy and destined for an audience a century removed from our own time. We’re talking about 100 Years, the brainchild of director Robert Rodriguez, penned by and starring the enigmatic John Malkovich. This isn’t your typical movie release; conceived in collaboration with Louis XIII Cognac, 100 Years draws inspiration from the century-long maturation process of their prestigious spirit. Encased in a vault, protected by bulletproof glass, this film was intended to remain unseen until its official premiere in 2115. For most of us, experiencing 100 Years was relegated to the realm of fantasy – until now.
Thanks to an anonymous source, a leak from within the film’s production, 100 Years has surfaced online. Having braved this cinematic anomaly, I present to you a review of a film practically nobody was ever supposed to witness. Imagine future generations stumbling upon this critique, marveling at the prescience, or perhaps the sheer audacity, of a review penned so far ahead of its time. Whether this blog is run by my descendants or my consciousness uploaded into a supercomputer, let the record show: we’re diving into 100 Years. (A link to the leaked film will be provided, though its lifespan remains uncertain.)
The Premise of “100 Years”
The teaser trailers offered glimpses into disparate potential futures – from utopian serenity to dystopian desolation. The narrative of 100 Years, as best as I can decipher, revolves around interwoven timelines. John Malkovich embodies a central figure striving to harmonize these divergent realities into a singular, perfected world. Think Southland Tales, but perhaps with a slightly more graspable, albeit still bewildering, narrative thread. Will Malkovich’s character succeed in his ambitious endeavor, or will his actions unravel the fabric of the universe? The film keeps you guessing, in a manner that is as perplexing as it is occasionally captivating.
Robert Rodriguez’s Directorial Choices: A Visual Feast (and Famine)
Robert Rodriguez, the director behind cult classics like Machete, Spy Kids, Desperado, and Sin City, is known for his distinctive visual flair. In 100 Years, Rodriguez swings for the fences, attempting a stylistic kaleidoscope that, while ambitious, results in a rather tonally disjointed experience. The integration of Smell-O-Vision, regrettably, fell flat for this reviewer without the promised scratch-and-sniff cards, leaving a sensory dimension unexplored. The deployment of flash animation for certain sequences depicting the “2nd future” felt jarringly out of place, compounded by sound design reminiscent of Johnny Test, complete with gratuitous whipcrack sound effects accompanying every movement – including, inexplicably, John Malkovich’s… well, we’ll address that shortly. Furthermore, the jungle sequences suffered from noticeably artificial CGI monkeys, detracting from any sense of immersion.
However, amidst the stylistic chaos, glimpses of Rodriguez’s visual ingenuity do emerge. The decision to overlay the end credits with a black and white, simulated scene of… well, let’s just say a celebratory moment involving the cast and crew and the lead actress (whose anonymity I shall preserve, though her filmography includes titles like The Hunger Games and X-Men: First Class) is certainly… bold and, arguably, artistically provocative. Particularly noteworthy was a comic book-inspired sequence where John Malkovich, leveraging genetically enhanced prehensile armpit hair, strangles a mutant camel. This scene, framed in dynamic comic panels, proved far more visually effective than similar attempts in Ang Lee’s Hulk.
John Malkovich’s Unconventional Performance and… Wardrobe Choices
John Malkovich’s performance in 100 Years is, to put it mildly, unconventional. The revelation that Malkovich wrote his character to be endowed with a thirteen-inch penis sets a certain… tone. Adding to the peculiarity, his character remains largely pantsless throughout the film. Whether this is intended as an homage to Marlon Brando’s alleged aversion to trousers on the sets of Apocalypse Now or The Godfather (or perhaps everywhere), is unclear. Regardless of intent, this stylistic choice is undeniably distracting and does little to detract from the fact that John Malkovich’s character appears to have neglected basic grooming. Manscaping, it seems, is not a priority in the world of 100 Years. While Malkovich delivers a committed performance as the protagonist, the character’s bizarrely written eccentricities, reminiscent of a David Lynch-scripted Southland Tales after a sugar rush, make for an often awkward viewing experience.
The sheer volume of camel-riding scenes in 100 Years reaches almost comical proportions. At least twenty scenes feature camel-mounted characters, including a particularly surreal sequence where they traverse through scenes from cinematic landmarks such as Troll 2, Gigli, and Spy Kids 3D: Game Over. Oddly, Spy Kids 3D is presented in a positive light, even featuring a cameo from a CGI hologram of Ricardo Montalban tap-dancing – a moment of questionable taste. This is further compounded by the appearance of a hologram William Shatner, who proceeds to subdue the Montalban hologram while reciting the entire script of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan in reverse at high speed. Yet, perhaps nothing rivals the unsettling nature of the film’s antagonist: a colossal plastic statue of Iggy Azalea that spouts scripture fragments in nonsensical order and farts dolphins. This villain’s agenda involves flooding the universe with low-resolution bagel images, overthrowing global governments, and extinguishing all life. Much like the real-life Azalea, the villain’s motivations seem hazy, and her primary function appears to be unsettling the viewer.
A Hilariously Incoherent Mess – Is It Worth “Watching”?
In conclusion, 100 Years: The John Malkovich Movie is an unmitigated, gloriously incoherent mess. Why Rodriguez and Malkovich deemed this cinematic concoction worthy of preservation for future generations is baffling. Are we not burdening the future enough with our present-day shortcomings without adding our cinematic garbage to the mix? Despite its numerous flaws, 100 Years possesses a strange, trashy charm. It’s cinematic trainwreck, yes, but a trainwreck from which moments of bizarre brilliance occasionally emerge.
Therefore, I tentatively recommend experiencing 100 Years for yourself. Follow this link and prepare for a cinematic journey unlike any other. You might just find yourself… entertained, at least on some level.
